What the Womens Want

In a word, everything. 

So good luck with that, fellas. I feel bad for you. Because you know what? Each woman wants something different. On a different day sometimes. I have a friend that read Fifty Shades of Grey and told me how happy she’d be if only she could find a man like Christian Grey.

Er, excuse me, the human ice-block who bosses his submissive girlfriend around and tells her what to do and wear and eat and then spanks her? Not cute little spankity-spanks, but, as I understand it, god-DANG-it-that-really-hurt spanks. Really? Really? I didn’t read the book, so I’ll admit I may be missing the charming underbelly of this guy, but for me…no way. I bristle at being bossed around. Just ask anyone who’s ever bossed me around. Choosing my own outfits is one of my favorite activities, and if you hit me, I will not be turned on. I will probably cry. And then press charges.

At any rate, I hope my friend finds her scary prince. But the idea that women want a man like Christian Grey–or a vampire or werewolf for that matter–has got to be somewhat baffling to men. Wish I could help you out with that one.

I have a man. And here’s what I want from him: I want him to know exactly when to talk to me and when to leave me alone. I want him to telepathically read my mind and know when I’m having a bad day and come home early with a present for me. I want him to laugh at every joke I make, even the stupid ones. I want him to not only tell me I’m the most beautiful, most intelligent and most talented person in the world, (even though a multitude of reality shows and beauty pageants and Pulitzer Prizes have proven this to be patently untrue) I want him to actually believe it. In other words, I want him to have a pathological psychological break with reality. But only in this one area, you understand. The rest of the time he needs to display perfect mental health.

I want him to learn to dance with me. And like it. I want him to work his ass off at work, then come home and sit very still, establish unwavering, full-on eye-to-eye contact and listen to me ramble about my day. (and laugh a lot, remember, at my awesome jokes.) I want him to never look at his BlackBerry while in my presence. I wouldn’t mind if, after I drifted off to sleep every night, he would hop out of bed and tidy the living room and kitchen. I want him to swoop in and save me and I want him to let me do everything on my own. I want him to adore me, but give me tons of space. I want everything, and I want nothing. God love him.

At least I don’t expect him to pick out my outfits. 

4 thoughts on “What the Womens Want”

  1. martinmommymartinmommy

    LOL. Can’t wait to read more!

  2. Jason GreenJason Green

    I have this vision… “Emily, put on this dress.” “Yes, the black slinky number.” “No, you don’t seem to understand.” “Put the dress on YOU!” “Geez, this is tight around the middle.” “Can I at least have matching shoes?” “OW!!!” “What was that for???”

  3. Jason GreenJason Green

    I have this vision… “Emily, put on this dress.” “Yes, the black slinky number.” “No, you don’t seem to understand.” “Put the dress on YOU!” “Geez, this is tight around the middle.” “Can I at least have matching shoes?” “OW!!!” “What was that for???”

  4. Randy WatsonRandy Watson

    Unfortunately for you women’s most of us men’s are not Christian grey. We should actually be called Gray Matter.

    Reply
    September 14, 2012

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